


The ashes of who I used to be

by Nagiru



Series: CLAMP related drabbles [15]
Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-08 02:19:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14094936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nagiru/pseuds/Nagiru
Summary: Unexpected things are to be expected. Especially with Seishirou-san.





	The ashes of who I used to be

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Angel On Fire, song by Halsey. ("And I'm faded away, you know, I used to be on fire / I'm standing in the ashes of who I used to be")
> 
> So, a SeiSuba who's canon compliant. Again. Uh, don't expect a happy ending? Yeah.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** Not mine. If it were, there wouldn't be near as many characters dead as there is in... well, any work of CLAMP's?

 

You were never one to do what I expected.

For so long, you fooled me with fancy words, with special smiles, with sweet lies that were only _mine_. For so long, I believed you loved me, shy and trying to pay back to each of your gestures, curious and completer by the time, until the time I eventually… loved you. Until I finally wanted you.

And then, you surprised me, again. After a whole year being the sweetest, dearest, most caring friend, the most… _perfect_ lover I could ever want, you smiled. And it wasn’t a sweet, warm… _mine_ , smile. This smile was cold, this smile was sharp, this smile hurt. For a year you were the one who made me love you, and when I finally found myself, you told me that all this, all that I loved, all that I wanted, all that I knew — was nothing but a lie. You told me to be nothing but a piece of glass, a corpse, something that couldn’t even bother you enough to be killed by your hands. You told me I was but a game, a bet, a play, and that I had failed: failed in entertain you, failed in… being.

… And even with all that, I still loved you. Even broken, almost dead, and bleeding inside, I still wanted you. My heart ached, and I almost killed myself when I watched my sister’s death, but I couldn’t give up on _you_. Even trying, I couldn’t forget you. I couldn’t even seek revenge, for the simple idea of killing you…

Instead, I started wishing you’d kill me. Just that. Simple, but all that I could think about for so many years. I just wanted to be someone worthy in your eyes; worthy enough to be killed by your hands, if nothing else.

And then, in the midst of a battle for the destiny of the world, while I watched you and longed for your hand through my chest, even when there were people caring about me (even when I had a _friend_ by my side), I kept thinking I wasn’t enough. I kept thinking I was nothing but glass before your eyes, and that you were only facing me for obligation.

(Or maybe a bit of pride. If I were that lucky.)

But then, there were only the two of us over that bridge, and I knew I was in my last moments of life, and I was _happy_. For the first time in nine years, for the first time since you first broke me, I was _happy_.

… until you whispered to me that I never expected to hear, hand going through the wrong heart, leaving me alone one last time, heart broke into pieces and tears too dry for me to cry.

When I thought I had lost everything already, I found out I still had a soul to lose.

You never were one to do what I expected you to, after all, were you, Seishirou-san?

 


End file.
